just because

I'm starting to realize that I'm not as weird as I thought I was. There are a lot of people who think and feel the same way I do about things. As retarded as I see myself, there are others who look just as retarded as I do. I'm learning to go more with the flow of things. I'm learning a lot of things, actually! I have a feeling this is going to be a wild and mind-expanding summer.
When I get mega-stressed out about life, I smoke a bowl and let it go. Life is so unpredictable, man, and none of the goals I hold onto mean anything; they're simply conveyors that take me from one part of my life to another. I know what I want right now and it's great that I'm working towards that. It's also good that I allow myself other opportunities and room for growth for whatever new experiences come along.
Cheers!

i realize i can't immigrate to Canada right now. but i can at least live really close to Dave, hopefully in North Dakota. Bottineau? Minot? first of all, i plan on moving in with Karen as soon as she gets a bigger place. other than that, i need:
- ged
- drivers license
- credit (???)
from what i've heard, i shouldn't need credit to be able to rent an apartment.
now i just gotta get into school and get my drivers license. my mom's supposed to help me contact school administrations and she has all kinds of paperwork i need. i need to go get my learners permit. she said she'd help teach me how to drive, instead of me getting into a driving school, but i don't have much faith in her in doing any of those things at the moment. she's selfish and lazy. so what can i do? i can get my learners permit. about school, i'm not too sure how to do that. start calling some administrative people, i guess. i'm kind of waiting to just be able to move in with Karen, though. i wonder when that might happen? i don't feel like i'll be able to get anything done here in California at my grandparents.
Dave thinks i should just go back to work. i don't really think that's an option right now, though.
i need to get money that mom owes me. next time i talk to her, i'm gunna ask her to get a loan from her friend Janet. i don't give a shit how it effects her, this is my life we're talking about. i desperately need that money to get into school, to get a car, etcetera. she's a selfish dumb bitch for what she did to me. she needs to realize that she fucked me over big time and now she's gotta pay the consequences of her actions. fuck sympathy.

Stolen from nytehiker1!

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Went to a party, drank a lot of booze, smoked a lot of dope, bought a lot of dope and had a good time.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No idea.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
ryoda's sister. <3

4. Did anyone close to you die?
fallenrage

5. What countries did you visit?
Canada.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
New computer, spend time with nytehiker1 in the real world, get an education and a passport, maybe some OTHER paperwork...

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Third week of September through October 31st because I got to be with the person I love.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
$6+K.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Trusting my mom with $1K.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Depends on which kind of "illness" or "injury" you're referring to.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
San Fransisco to Minot, North Dakota.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Mine.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My mom's.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Canadian expenses.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Canada.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
The Postal Service - Against All Odds

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Sadder.
ii. thinner or fatter? About the same.
iii. richer or poorer? About the same.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Spend time in Canada.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Spend time at my grandparents.

20. How did you spending Christmas?
As introverted as possible.

21. What happened to 21?
420.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
nytehiker1

23. How many one-night stands?
All of them.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
None.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No.

26. What was the best book you read?
Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
In Rainbows.

28. What did you want?
To spend time in Canada.

29. What did you get?
Time in Canada.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I Am Legend.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
20 - I worked.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More time in Canada.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Black.

34. What kept you sane?
Nothing.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
None.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
None.

37. Who did you miss?
ryoda

38. Who was the best new person you met?
nytehiker1

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing is gonna be alright."

40. Quote that sums up your year:
* Nihilist #3: [Whilst making threatening moves toward the Dude] I fuck you in the ass, I fuck you in the ass, I fuck you, I fuck you, I fuck you, I fuck... [Is smacked in the back of the head and lower back with a boom box before he can do anything]

"[...] What is this place anyway?"
The Sheep Man looked me hard in the face and shook his head. "'Fraidwedon'tknowmuch. It'srealbig, it'srealdark. Allweknow'sthisroom. Beyondhere, wedon'tknow. Butanyway, you'rehere, somust'vebeentime. Timeyoufoundyourwayhere. Wayweseeit, atleast. . . ." The Sheep Man paused to ruminate. "Maybesomebody'scryingforyou, throughthisplace. Somebodywhoknewyou, knewyou'dbeheadinghereanyway. Likeabird, comingbacktothenest. . . . Butlet'sussayitdifferent. Ifyouweren'tcomingbackhere, thisplacewouldn'texist." The Sheep Man wrung his mitts. The shadow on the wall exaggerated every gesture on a grand scale, a dark spirit poised to seize me from above.
Like a bird returning to the nest? Well, it did have that feel about it. Maybe my life had been following this unspoken course all this time.
"Sonow, yourturn," said the Sheep Man. "Tellus'boutyourself. Thishere'syourworld. Noneedstandingonceremony. Takeyourtime. Talkallyouwant."
There in the dim light, staring at the shadow on the wall, I poured out the story of my life. It had been so long, but slowly, like melting ice, I released each circumstance. how I managed to support myself. Yet never managed to go anywhere. Never went anywhere, but aged all the same. How nothing touched me. And I touched nothing. How I'd lost track of what mattered. How I worked like a fool for things that didn't. How it didn't make a difference either way. How I was losing form. The tissues hardening, stiffening from within. Terrifying me. How I barely made the connection to this place. This place I didn't know but had this feeling that I was part of. . . . This place that maybe I knew instively I belonged to. . . .

"Do you think you weren't loved enough?"
She tilted her head and looked at me. Then she gave a sharp, little nod. "Somewhere between 'not enough' and 'not at all.' I was always hungry for love. Just once, I wanted to know what it was like to get my fill of it--to be loved so much I couldn't take any more. Just once. But they never gave that to me. Never, not once. If I tried to cuddle up and beg for something, they'd just shove me away and yell at me. 'No! That costs too much!' It's all I ever heard. So I made up my mind I was going to find someone who would love me unconditionally three hundred and sixty-five days a year. I was still in elementary school at the time--fifth or sixth grade--but I made up my mind once and for all."
"Wow," I said. "And did your search pay off?"
"That's the hard part," said Midori. She watched the rising smoke for a while, thinking. "I guess I've been waiting so long I'm looking for perfection. That makes it tough."
"Waiting for the perfect love?"
"No, even I know better than that. I'm looking for selfishness. Perfect selfishness. Like, say I tell you I want to eat strawberryshortcake. And you stop everything you're doing and run out and buy it for me. And you come back out of breath and get down on your knees and hold this strawberry shortcake out to me. And I say I don't want it anymore and throw it out the window. That's what I'm looking for."
"I'm not sure that has anything to do with love," I said with some amazement.
"It does," she said. "You just don't know it. There are times in a girl's life when things like that are incredibly important."
"Things like throwing strawberry shortcake out the window?"
"Exactly. And when I do it, I want the man to apologize to me. 'Now I see, Midori. What a fool I've been! I should have known that you would lose your desire for strawberry shortcake. I have all the intelligence and sensitivity of a piece of donkey shit. To make it up to you, I'll go out and buy you something else. What would you like? Chocolate mousse? Cheesecake?'"

Where do you draw the line? I'm a liar and a scammer. I'm a thief. I use people to get what I want. I generally keep people around and label them my "friends" for as long as I need them. Am I the only one in the world who does this? No, of course not. Is what I do wrong? In some cases, yes. In others, they're either doing the same thing to me or they would have if only they had thought of it first. I'm not saying this is true of all of my friends, I'm just saying that there is a percentage of my friends who are associated with me in that respect.

I have to get over this whole "instant gratification" thing. There is nothing that Dave or I can do about the situation right now. There are other things we have to do. We need to actually do them. Only after we have accomplished these things can we actually attempt to reconcile our physical relationship.
Neither of us has the money to get around to each other to marry. He doesn't have the means to support me if I stayed there and what is the point of marrying each other if I can't stay with him right now? He needs to get a better paying job so he can move out of his grandpa's house and get his own place. He needs to get his drivers license so he can get a car. I need to get my grade 12, my own drivers license and car. I think that once those things have been accomplished, possibly within a year, then we can start talking about bringing me back to Canada.
However, I think there's a great deal of bullshit to the whole "finding out about yourself so you can be good for your spouse" deal. How the hell are you going to find out about yourself in a way that will benefit your partner when you're not even around that special someone you just -can't- live without? If you want to be with that person, it doesn't matter how well you know yourself. It matters how you interact and deal with your special someone. Sure, it'd be good to know how to deal with that complete asshole side of yourself, but it'd be a lot easier to learn how when you've got that other person around who's actually being affected by it to give you input on how not to be that way.

I've been getting back into music I was into around '98 and 2001. I'm listening to more Metallica, System of a Down and Nirvana. I downloaded Slipknot's and Godsmack's self titled albums. I downloaded some of my favorite songs by the Beastie Boys. I need to get more Sublime. I could go on...

Most days are a pain in the ass for me so I've been searching for ways to deal with that. I'm listening to heavier music, especially rock and drum 'n' bass. I get fucked up at night. I'm a lot more cold and callous to the people I associate with on a day to day basis. As much as I'd like to say that I'm not letting things get to me, I can't because there are things that are bothering me. Canada is always on my mind. All the things that I could be doing. How much happier I'd be. My grandparents are a constant threat to my mental fortitude. The frustration of needing and wanting to get things done and the inability to accomplish that is a struggle to contain. The need to rely on certain people for financial obligations is, in a nutshell, complete bullshit. No, I definitely cannot say that I am dealing well with the issues most prevalent in my life.

I've become obsessed with my computer setup. I need to get a desk which I'm sure I can bum off someone, somewhere. I plan on shelling out a few bucks for a big comfy chair to sit in. I've already got a new mouse. I'm going to be getting a new keyboard in about a week, thanks to Dave. I have a great headset for music and Skyping. Now all I need is the new computer...I'm hoping to have the money for that in another 2 or 3 months.

Because she was in the once-a-month lodge, word had to be passed from outside by two of her husband's friends.
She seemed to take the news impassively at first, sitting still as a statue on the floor of the lodge, her hands entwined on her lap, her head bowed slightly. She sat like that most of the afternoon, letting grief eat its way slowly through her heart while the other women went about their business.
They watched her, however, partly because they all knew how close Stands With A Fist and her husband had been. But she was a white woman, and that, more than anything else, was cause for watching. None of them knew how a white mind would work in this kind of crisis. So they watched with a mixture of caring and curiosity.
It was well they did.
Stands With A Fist was so deeply devastated that she didn't make a peep all afternoon. She didn't shed a single tear. She just sat. All the while her mind was running dangerously fast. She thought of her loss, of her husband, and finally of herself.
She played back the events of her life with him, all of it appearing in fractured but vivid detail. Over and over, one particular time came back to her . . . the one and only time she had cried.
It was on a night not long after the death of their second child. She had held out, trying everything she knew to keep from caving in to the misery. She was still holding out when the tears came. She tried to stop them by burying her face in the sleeping robe. They had already had the talk about another wife, and he had already said the words, "You are plenty." But it was not enough to stem the grief of the second baby's passing, grief she knew he shared, and she had buried her wet face in the robe. But she could not stop, and the tears led to sobbing.
When it was over she lifted her head and found him sitting quietly at the edge of the fire, poking at it aimlessly, his unfocused eyes looking through the flames.
When their eyes met she said, "I am nothing."
He made no reply at first. But he looked straight into her soul with an expression so peaceful that she could not resist its calming effect. Then she had seen the faintest of smiles steal across his mouth as he said the words again.
"You are plenty."
She remembered it so well: his deliberate rise from the fire, his little motion that said, "Move over," his easy slide under the robe, his arms gathering her in so softly.
And she remembered the unconsciousness of the love they made, so free of movement and words and energy. It was like being borne aloft to float endlessly in some unseen, heavenly stream. It was their longest night. When they would reach the edge of sleep they would somehow begin again. And again. And again. Two people of one flesh.
Even the coming of the sun did not stop them. For the first and only times in their lives, neither left the lodge that morning.
When sleep finally did find them, it was simultaneous, and Stands With A Fist remembered drifting off with the feeling that the burden of being two people was suddenly so light that it ceased to matter. She remembered feeling no longer Indian or white. She felt herself as a single being, one person, undivided.
Stands With A Fist blinked herself back to the present of the once-a-month lodge.
She was no longer a wife, a Comanche, or even a woman. She was nothing now. What was she waiting for?
A hide scraper was lying on the hard-packed floor only a few feet away. She saw her hand around it. She saw it plunge deep into her breast, all the way to the hilt.
Stands With A Fist waited for the moment when everyone's attention was elsewhere. She rocked back and forth a few times,then lurched forward, covering the few feet across the floor on all fours.
Her hand went to it cleanly, and in a flash, the blade was in front of her face. She lifted it higher, screamed, and drove down with both hands, as if clasping some dear object to her heart.
In the middle of the split second it took the scraper to complete its flight, the first woman arrived. Though she missed the hands that held the knife there was enough of a collision to deflect its downward flight. The blade traveled sideways leaving a tiny track on the bodice of Stands With A Fist's dress as it passed over the left breast,riped through the doeskin sleeve,and plowed into the fleshy part of her arm just above the elbow.
She fought like a demon, and the women had a tough time prying the scraper out of her hand. Once it was free, all the fight went out of the little white woman. She collapsed into the sisterly arms of her friends, and like the flood that comes when a stubborn valve is tripped, she began to sob convulsively.
They half carried, half dragged the tiny ball of shaking and tears to bed. While one friend cradled her like a baby, two others stopped the bleeding and patched up her arm.
She cried for so long that the women had to take turns holding her. At last her breathing started to grow less intense and the sobs faded to a steady whimpering. Then, without opening her tear-swollen eyes, she spoke, repeating the same words over and over, chanting them softly to no one but herself.
"I am nothing. I am nothing. I am nothing."
In the early evening they filled a hollowed-out horn with a thin broth and fed it to her. She began with hesitant sips, but the more she drank, the more she needed. She drained the last of it with a long gulp and lay back on the bedding, her eyes wide as they stared past her friends to the ceiling.
"I am nothing," she said again. But now the tone of her pronouncement was measured with serenity, and the other women knew she had passed through the most dangerous stage of her grief.
With kind words of encouragement, murmured sweetly, they stroked her tangled hair and tucked the edges of a blanket around her small shoulders.

Dead as dead can be
My doctor tells me
But I just can't believe him
Ever the optimistic one
I'm sure of your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up and face me
Don't play dead 'cause maybe
Someday I will walk away and say
You disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Leaning over you here
Cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection
Of what you could and might have been
It's your RIGHT and your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up
(Why can’t you?)
And face me
(Come on now)
Don't play dead
(Don’t play dead)
'Cause maybe
(Because maybe)
Someday
(Someday)
I’ll walk away and say
You disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Maybe you're better off this way (×4)
You're better off this (×2)
Maybe you're better off...

Wake up
(Why can't you?)
And face me
(Come on now)
Don't play dead
(Don’t play dead)
'Cause maybe
(Because maybe)
Someday
(Someday)
I’ll walk away and say
You fucking disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way!

Go ahead and play dead
(GO!)
I know that you can hear this
(GO!)
Go ahead and play dead
(GO!)

Why can't you turn and face me?
(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn against me?
(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn against me?
(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn against me?
(GO!)
You fucking disappoint me

Passive-aggressive bullshit... (×12)

i'm at my grandparents again. always the default location when something happens. and don't get me wrong. i'm grateful. it's just, you know, my grandparents are old and senile and when i come around them, i'm usually going through a tough time and it's difficult to deal with my shit and them at the same time. but i am grateful.
i love Dave but he's a pain in the ass. i'll keep waiting for him to realize how awesome i am and how his life wouldn't be worth living without me. it'll happen. eventually. i wish i didn't love him, though. then my life might be easier. less complicated and stressful. or i'd go back to having no reason to live. which is better, which is worse? feelings are confusing. so much effort goes into relationships. i want to be with Dave but do i really want to marry him? that's a scary thought. marrying him would make legal things somewhat easier but it would make other things more complicated. i don't think we'd get sick of each other and hate each other, though. we've known each other for 7 years. i'm still friends with Joseph and i've known him for 9 years. he'll be 21 soon. i wonder where he is?
i hope i can role-play with Cain again. even if sex will be involved. i'd like to get back into writing. i'm scared that i have no imagination anymore.
speaking of imagination, i've been having a lot of vivid dreams lately. i wonder if that means something? do my dreams mean something? i think i had a premonition. if i did, then it's a fucking awesome premonition.
there's a lot of stuff i need to do. i don't know if i have the motivation right now. whatever happens, happens. i'm not going to worry about it right now. i will, however, get my passport. other than that, i'll just wait and see. i don't really know what's going on. i don't wanna stress out anymore. i think i've made myself sick. i'm gunna lay low for a while. too much has happened in the last 2 months. i can't believe it's near the end of the year already. i hope we have turkey for Thanksgiving. i don't like ham. if we don't have turkey, then i'll cook a small one for myself and grandma.
i'm cold and feel like lying in bed and meditating. the end.

i know going back won't be perfect. i know it won't fix everything. half a year isn't that long. i feel burnt out. the last 7 months have been...unexplainable. working 25+ hrs a week since may has been an adventure. did i learn anything i didn't know before? that remains to be seen. did i remember lessons previously forgotten? most definitely. it's all about perseverance and mind over matter. i think i might have a serious issue with depression. but "life just isn't as sweet without the bitter" continues to hold true. but what happens when there is no sweetness? you have to make things happen and it's a pain in the ass. anything worth having is worth fighting for, though. i sure put up one hell of a fight. now we'll see what i get in return.
i still have a little girl inside of me, demanding i submit to her selfish, negative and destructive whims.
"i must not fear. fear is the mind killer. fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. i will face my fear. i will permit it to pass over me and through me. and when it has gone past i will turn the inner eye to see its path. where the fear has gone there will be nothing. only i will remain."
my last day at Jack in the Box will be Wednesday, September 12th, at 3pm. thank you.

i'm feeling frustrated right now. frustrated, tired, and sick of everything. i have 5k to go back to Canada but i have to make sure i can come back. i'm pretty sure that i can but i don't want to be stranded or get in trouble. i tried contacting the Canadian Immigration...Embarassy? or whatever, in LA right when i got home from work around 3:30. still had an hr before they closed. no one answered my call. tried numerous times, left 2 messages, and e-mailed them. tried Buffalo and Washington DC. got an emergency number but no one answered there and i feel bad for calling it because this isn't a life or death situation...at least, not to anybody but me. i'm not gunna give my 2 weeks notice at work until i know for sure i can go to Canada because all the more money the better. i don't feel like going to work anymore, though. for the longest time, i looked forward to it, but now i feel so sick of it. haven't i already proved to Fate the limits of my patience and fortitude? why do i have to prove myself again? not only have i been burned literally (2nd degree) but now figuratively. why can't this be simple? one question, yes or on answer...how difficult can it be?

happy anniversary! i was hooked up with Ian, Anna and Dave around this time. i was probably snoring into Dave's lap. or at least getting ready to. man, i was so fucking tired. i slept more than half way to Brandon. man, that was so fucking awesome...i'll never forget it. I LOVE YOU GUYS! i miss you so much. i'm trying to get back...it's a pain in the ass, though. anything worth having is worth fighting for, though, right? the last 5 months have gone by pretty fast, in retrospect, so hopefully the next 5 will, too. i'll be back Nov 11th and i'll bring my mouth. ;)
OTHER THAN THAT, I'M TRYING TO SCORE A FUCKING DIME! rawr...

i'd like you to know something that i've recently figured out...just seconds ago. here it is:
i don't whine. i mean, i do whine, but not to my family. not to my coworkers. in fact, i don't say much at all. but here's the kicker. this is where it gets interesting. in regards to Ryoda, i can't seem to keep my mouth shut. i whine, a lot, about stupid useless shit. and to my online friends, like Nyte, Kajun, SlipStream, Keimu, Blackthorn. just to name a few, of course.
so i wonder. why do i do this? it doesn't do much good. it doesn't make me feel good. or does it? you may think i'm trolling for sympathy but that's not necessarily the case. in fact, i don't have much else to talk about. it's a habit and it's a form of comfort. spilling all the juicey details isn't the source of comfort, the simple fact that i am. that i can.
i got to thinking of this because i had hoped i could be friends with someone at work that i met. he had driven me home twice and we had chatted a lot at work about previous experience. however, yesterday, i was pretty sick. i was called in. i didn't have to come in, it was just appreciated, and i figured i wasn't dying and i needed the money so i might as well. even though i was sick. for the most part, i stood around--lethargic as ever--automatically bagging hashbrowns and occassionally taking orders. a little over halfway through my shift, i take my half. i sit outside on a bench, my face planted on my arms, dozing. the shift leader that's starting comes over to me, starts chatting, and i rouse myself from my stupor. i go back to work. and the friend who i had hoped to be friends with has been there for an hr or two already. what conspires next is freak and you might think altogether foul and revolting.
the shift leader, Ivan, was told to clean the grill. in the process of cleaning it, he avoids being severely electrocuted and finds out that there is a big mess behind the grill. a really big, smelly, greasy, unsanitary hazardous mess. as in, raw hamburgers, egg shells, an inch of grease spanning the length of the wall...it's bad. really bad. there's talk of sticking it to the man, calling someone else in to deal with it, but no. Ivan's a decent guy. he takes it upon himself to do it.
meanwhile, Chris is whining. he's complaining. "i feel nauseous." "that's so gross." and so on and so forth. and i realize that he's going to college, he goes to school all day, studies, he works all night, he gets 2 or 3 hrs of sleep. but i hear he's been late to work 5 times. and when he was supposed to be out picking up supplies from another store in town, he tells me he went home and watched TV while we went through a rush. and he's standing in front of me, telling me how much he hates cleaning the dining room, he's telling Ivan he doesn't want to empty out the lobby trash, and how the atrocity Ivan is busting his ass cleaning up is making him want to puke.
what the hell? i wanted to dropkick him and tell him to grow up. i wanted to smash him over the head with a brick until he came to his senses or his brain leaked out his ears. either one.
as a general rule, LIFE SUCKS. it's up to you to carve out your own piece of it and nurture and defend it. life doesn't care if you're sick or unhappy, it's just going to keep going on, because that's what it does. you're not special. everyone mucks through the same shit that you do. in fact, there is someone out there right now who is ten times worse off than you are. stop playing the victim in life and have some fortitude.
uhhh...as for the whole point of this rant, it was...somewhere. in there. i like orange juice.

i've acquired a new philosophy to life, which is pretty simple. keep your head down and go through the motions.
i wake up. if i don't have to work, i lay on the couch with the TV on and read between the commercials. unless there's nothing on, then i just tune out the TV and read. if i go to work, i do the above until i got 15 min until i have to be at work. then i put my hair up, brush my teeth, change into my work clothes, put on my shoes, grab my bag and get a ride. if Denise is around, i just try not to fuck up whatever it is i'm supposed to be doing until i get told to do something else. if Denise isn't around, i breathe a sigh of relief and plod around, usually completing various tasks in a haphazard, lazy manner. i talk to coworkers, munch on fries and randomly start dancing/ posing/ singing/ cursing/ etc. when i get home from work, i immediately head straight into the shower to scrub off the putrid stink of burning meat and grease. as soon as i get out of the shower, i toss my work clothes and whatever else into the wash. at 9pm, every night (unless i gotta work late) i get online and wait around for Dave. sometimes i talk to people. i try to get as much sleep as possible but usually fail, due to insomnia or for no apparent reason.
i love my grandparents but i try to ignore their antics as much as possible. i rarely speak. i don't smile or laugh very much. i try not to think about what i'm missing or how i'll get it back.
i should get out more. ride my bike. go swimming. take a martial arts or dance class.
i wouldn't say i'm depressed. i'm just not exactly happy, either. what perks me up is watching a good show like Scrubs or reading a good book like the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.
you could say that i'm biding my time.

I try to keep my random thoughts to myself. When I'm around people I don't know, I shut down. I don't say anything. I'm awkward. I try to fade into the background. However, when I'm around people I know or people on the internet, I'm open. Not completely but moreso than not. I'm known for giving TMI. I would say that's the case about 80% of the time. Now, that last 20% is full of suspicion and anxiety.
Obviously, I'm a very extreme person. I cling to my Vulcan abilities. I would rather be dead calm and soft spoken, secretive, than be this passionate stooge that I am.
How can I ever be anything but but myself? Can someone ever really change? Aren't we always in a constant state of flux? How can I try to better myself without trying to be someone who I'm not? How does one find that balance?
Sometimes I don't even think that's possible. What a self-fulfilling prophecy!

"Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours."

i haven't updated this thing since January. things have been kind of crazy.
i've been depressed.
i found out Dark died the day before i had to leave Canada. i didn't really have time to mourn him. we were getting really close.
Steph had her baby. Aiden Quinn. he's so cute.
i lived with my mom in Sparks, NV in a hotel room for almost a month. i had a job at Quiznos. she doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, though, so i had to leave. i had nowhere to go except my aunt Debbie's. i haven't seen her and my uncle Vic since i was 11. it's been good here in Spokane, WA. i've always loved this area, and my aunt and uncle have always been cool. the dogs are awesome. i can't get a job here, though.
by tuesday or wednesday, i'll be getting on a plane back to my grandparents in Chico, CA. i'm trying to be positive about it but damn, it's not where i want to be. the college and high school kids still have a month left so hopefully i can beat 'em to it and get a job.
i need 4 thousand dollars to get back to Canada. Dave and Ian. i miss those guys so much. and Stephanie and Kyle. i hope i can get a permanent resident visa.
i've been reading the Earth's Children series by Jean M. Auel. it's good. my aunt just gave me Illusions by Richard Bach to read. i read through half of it within an hr. i'll probably finish it tomorrow. it's good. insightful and stuff.
i wish i could remember all my little tricks to staying in one piece. the little girl inside of me wants to just curl up and cry and throw a fit and not deal with anything. but me, the adult, is trying so hard to get through.
is there any meaning to this sick sad little world? i'm just doing what i can. i got a big goal but i'm seeing too far ahead to notice the baby steps i got in front of me. i've got to get a job. to save money. to get back to Canada. to Dave. to the people who mean the most to me. i won't let myself get sidetracked from that.
who knows what's right and what's wrong? at least i have something i'm trying to accomplish. what do you got? this is the only thing i know. trial and error. if it's not okay, it's not the end.
i know i'm not enough of an adult right now. i know i'm still so immature. hopefully by the time i get out of this bind, i'll be a better person. i'll learn by my mistakes. i'm strong. i'm smart.
no more excuses. it's time to step up.

"You are led through your lifetime by the inner learning creature, the playful spiritual being that is your real self.
"Don't turn away from possible futures before you're certain you don't have anything to learn from them.
"You're always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past."

i have a dream...
in one dream, humanity will have eradicated hunger, homelessness and the need for money. we will overcome disease and death. we will become immortal. there will no longer be the question of morality. we will transcend space and time.
in another dream, humanity as a whole is struggling to survive. as Tyler Durden once said: "We'll hunt elk through damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center, and dig clams next to the skeleton of the Space Needle leaning at a fourty-five degree angle. We'll paint the skyscrapers with huge totem faces and goblin tikis, and every evening what's left of mankind will retreat to empty zoos and lock itself in cages as protection against bears and big cats and wolves that pace and watch us from outside the cage bars at night. A cultural ice age. A prematurely induced dark age. We will force humanity to go dormant or into remission long enough for the earth to recover. We will break up civilization so we can make something better out of the world. Imagine stalking elk past department store windows. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life and you'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. You'll climb up through the dripping forest canopy and the air will be so clean you'll see tiny figures pounding corn and laying strips of venison to dry in the empty carpool lane of an abandoned superhighway stretching eight lanes wide and August hot for a thousand miles."
with the way the world is going, there are numerous apocalyptic scenarios one might imagine. perhaps technology will advance so far that AI will take over or maybe terrorism will increase to the point where we nuke ourselves to death by radiation poisoning.
the only guarantee you have in life is death and despair...surprisingly, one shouldn't take this as an excuse to be miserable. on the contrary! stop comparing your life to yesterdays greatness or future dreams. you are here, this is your life, and you are missing it. you are not any of those other places you wish you were. you spend your whole life on autopilot and one day someone will stop you and ask you what you were doing ten minutes ago. "describe the location and every detail." you can't. it makes life seem pointless and dull as a whole. the mistake that we all make is believing that we live our lives for ourselves. we live our lives for the continuation of life and to make your own unique contribution.

"THIS BODY MAKES ME FEEL ETERNAL. ALL THIS PAIN IS AN ILLUSION."

i'm just getting back into listening to SlipKnoT. i used to be obsessed with the band when i was 12, 13 and 14. i knew the history of the band, the bios of the individual members, the lyrics. i was a hardcore maggot. i didn't go a day without listening to their self-titled CD. i even had the rare Purity and Frail Limb Nursery mp3s, i had the Mate.Feed.Kill.Repeat CD, i had one of their red workshirts, i begged my mom to buy me the Welcome To Our Neighbourhood VHS. however, when Iowa came out, i bought it and was rather disappointed. i felt like they had gotten soft. at that time, i was moving onto different musical interests. i was more and more interested in techno, folk and what most would consider to be emo. from the age of 15 up until now (19), i maybe listened to their self-titled album THREE TIMES. i felt like i had grown passed being misunderstood and full of contempt for humanity. i didn't need to be angry anymore. i was listening to music for the pure ambience and enjoyment derived from it, not for therapy. however, living with Dave, i've come to know a friend of his: Chris. i see myself in him from when i was 13 but he's somewhere around 26. older than Dave but who i felt had a long way to go before being as mature. he claims that it's not just music, it's a way of life. i laughed and told him it was just music, nothing more. "it's just music, Chris! get over it." he vehemently denied it up and down. i started to have doubts. was i wrong? had i lost the faith? could i still enjoy listening to their music after all of these years of evolution? last night, i decided to find out. under music / pqrst / slipknot, there was their newest album. mplayer *.mp3 started it and i was taken aback. no, it wasn't as good as i still remembered their self-titled album being but it made me smile. Duality, Circle, Pulse of the Maggots, The Virus of Life...it was good. it was damn good. i wanted more. i found my self-titled CD and i popped it into the drive. i found the CD Player and i was jacked in. i remembered the lyrics. that old feeling crept back in. i was happy, full of energy, content. i wasn't worried about what i would do if i was deported, i wasn't thinking about how bored i was, i was riding the wave. i listened to it three times in a row and it just got better. i've requested a friend to send me Iowa and i should have it within the next few days, if not tonight. do i still consider it to be just music? yes and no. there are those who play music for fame, simply because it sounds good and as an outlet for thoughts and feelings otherwise repressed. for centuries, music has been used for religious and political purposes. in this day and age, can one still prophess that there's meaning in it? yes. if you feel that it does, then by all means, revel in it. does it matter if it doesn't to someone else? no, it shouldn't. while i've gotten past needing music to make me feel better, that doesn't mean it shouldn't for someone else.
in other news: in case you didn't get the memo stapled to your TPS report, it's new years eve. the new year has always been a time of celebration. everyone gets a kick out of the idea that one can magically start over. for me, it's just another day and the only difference is that i'm one year closer to my inevitable death. depending on what timezone you're in, it'll be 2007 in 4 hours. i'm sure you'll all be getting drunk and snogging your neighbour or maybe even your neighbours dog. unless you're like me, spending your time listening to music, chatting online and maybe feeling philosophical...do you find yourself feeling the need to be popular and in style, to try that new deoderizing sanitizing air freshener, to buy that new gadget with over a thousand different uses that you'll forget, lose or break and never miss? is your family driving you absolutely batshit ga ga crazy? find a quiet place and relax, my friend. it'll all be over soon. we'll either nuke the planet or the UFO will finally find a use for their new anal probe with over a thousand different uses...who am i kidding? take comfort in the realization that reality is not the embodiment of your thoughts or your opinion about what to order on your XXL unlimited topping pizza from Universal Food Co. "your fantasies are never real, and they never can be, because nothing you can possibly imagine will ever be anything like the way you imagine it."

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.

"remember, remember, the 5th of november, the gunpowder treason and plot. i know of no reason the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot..."
so yeah. i finally finished watching V for Vendetta that I started like...5 months ago? oh god! needless to say, i liked it.
um...Dark made a comment about me not updating my LJ anymore. the reason being, i have no real news to write about.
Dave's made some new friends which he's been seeing every day. he's most likely going to get a second job, which will leave me all the more alone. Ian's doing his own thing. Anna's actually 2 provinces away and she'll be back sometime tomorrow.
meh...i baked gingerbread cookies for her today. and Dave was an hr early for work because of daylight savings. i'm actually confused right now as to what time it really is. all i can say is that it feels much later than it actually is. the computer says it's 7:12pm but i feel like it could be closer to 9-10. i biked 28? blocks over to Ian's today and i'm still here. Dave gets off work at 11 but i'm unsure of when he'll actually get here.
my right hand hurts really bad right now. i'm not sure why. i finished the Half-Blood Prince yesterday and will go back to reading the Order of the Phoenix probably when i get home tonight. i borrowed a ton of movies from Monica and Steph a few weeks ago and the only movie i have left to watch is Frantic. mmm, Harrison Ford...*drools*
i'm going to take a bath. sometime. tonight. before Dave gets here. i dyed my hair the night before last with black. the red dye job was done so well, though, that there's still traces of it in my hair. oh well. i like it a lot. but it's a pain to get all the remaining dye out. garr!
hm...i'm rereading MacHall right now. and i'll probably watch some Firefly tonight. Ian's giggling uncontrollably at WoW for the time being. i made sloppy joe's earlier. sooo tastey...and yeah.
*snores* i need an energy drink or something!!
p.s. it's supposed to snow like 5 inches overnight...fun! ;) only not.